When You and Your Spouse Are So Different
Joyce and our conversation today, we are going to get real about our husbands and oh yeah, um it’s so challenging sometimes when your husband is very different than you are. So whether it’s a personality or just the way they respond and react to things hopes and dreams and we’ve talked about this before were quite different than our husbands are. So what are, what are some things that um, make that difference obvious than you and Dave? Well, first of all, let me say that the largest majority of people, not everyone, but the largest majority of people are married to someone that’s quite different than they are. We’re kind of attracted two what we don’t have, but we don’t really know that, you know, and God does it on purpose because where I’m weak, Davis strong and where he’s weak, I’m strong and God has purposely put us together in a way where we need each other. We don’t necessarily want to need somebody sometimes, but he he doesn’t give any one person all of it. So we worked together and a man should leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife that the two might become one. And so if you if you can learn to walk in love and if you if you realize, I think we we get married and we of course everybody’s on their best behavior when you’re dating and I didn’t even know Dave played golf until we got married because while we were dating, which for us wasn’t very long because we got married pretty quick, but you know, everything was about me and then all of a sudden and then all of a sudden it wasn’t all about me and uh I didn’t realize at that time that God creates us all differently. I mean I just really didn’t, I’d never heard any kind of teaching on that or read any kind of books on that. And you know, 53 years ago when Dave and I got married, there wasn’t a lot of material available like that and so, you know, we’re very different. Like I’m a big talker, he’s a little more quiet, although it seems like in the last few years he’s holding his own pretty much with the talking, he’s catching up, he’s catching up, but we don’t necessarily like a lot of the same things like he loves loves loves sports and it’s just I don’t really enjoy just sitting and watching a sport on tv, you know, because of what was going on with me and my childhood, my dad never let me take part in any school activities or any after school sports and he didn’t like sports and so we never watched them at home. And so it was just something that I have no frame of reference for. And so, you know, Dave loves them. I don’t we don’t have the same taste at all when it comes to decorating. Dave wants everything in a room to stand out and I want it all to blend or to match and until you until you figure out that you have to let people be who they are and that you, you cannot get married with the idea in mind that I’ll change them right? I think that’s really one of the major causes for divorces is because we lack the ability. Well we don’t like the ability, but we’re not willing to love people where they’re at, we want to love them the way we want them to be. Sometimes you don’t even realize that you don’t, you don’t even realize what the problem is. You just think what is wrong with you exactly, why aren’t you like this? Why don’t you think about this? Like I do. And when you talk about the fact that we balance each other out and that’s why God brings us together, it makes so much sense. It’s it’s such a beautiful concept. But when you’re in the middle of it sometimes it’s just like what are you thinking? You know, why why don’t you feel this way? Because I do like what’s the matter with you? You know, how could you like that? So I’ve had times where I’ve I just wish my husband was different, you know, wished wished he would be more this way because a lot of those times we can accomplish this, right? And so how have you dealt with some of those times where you know, I wish Dave would be more whatever. Well 1st of all a funny story I was telling Dave one time I wish you were, you know, more aggressive or I wish you were more of this or that. And he looked at me and he said, you better thank God that I’m the way I am. Because if I wasn’t you sure wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing. And I thought, and I realized God gave me exactly what I needed because really how many men would be secure enough confident enough in who they are in christ to let their wife be the one who’s in front of people all the time where they take more of a behind the scenes role. And the things that Dave has done in the ministry are just as important. But they’re not the things that people notice like he’s done such a phenomenal job overseeing the finances of the ministry and just so many other things. I mean, Dave was the one that got me on radio and he was the first one that got the vision for us to go on tv. And he just saw things in me that I didn’t even see God put in my hands, a book on personalities. A book by Tim LaHaye called the spirit controlled temperament. It’s a, it’s an old book and there’s other people who who teach on these different temperaments that we have. I like to say that we’re all born with a God given temperament and then that temperament plus things that happened to us in the early years of our life is what gives us our personality, that book was a lifesaver and possibly a marriage saver for me because when I read it, it talked about all the different weaknesses and strengths that the different personality types have. It’s, it’s like once I realized that he couldn’t help it, it’s a good way to look at it and that, that I couldn’t either. You know, now that doesn’t mean you don’t work with God to overcome your weaknesses. But I’m probably always gonna talk more than Dave. Um, you know, there’s gonna be, we’re never going to decorate a room together. He likes what I do, but it’s just not what he would do. I mean he’ll he’ll see a picture and if he likes it, he wants to buy it and put it somewhere. Even if it’s like, I don’t know, it’s something that has nothing to do with the rest of the theme of our house. And what about you and tim, how are you different? Oh, in every way possible. Um, yeah, I’m, I’m much more um outgoing. I like to be busy. I definitely talk more than he does. Um, he’s, I’m more of the organized creative, but he’s more of the engineer. So personality wise were quite different. But one thing that we really learned during the quarantine is that he needed to talk more than he realized. And when he wasn’t at work to talk to people all the time about server racks and power supplies, I had to hear all of it. I learned more than I ever wanted to know. Um, because he has more words to use than he realized. So we do learn a lot about ourselves and that really is a challenge. I’ve found like if Dave wants like Dave likes to read to me, like if he’s reading something that he’s really enjoying, he wants to read it to me and I don’t necessarily, I want to hear it and he doesn’t just read me the part that’s really interesting. He likes to start way up here somewhere because he’s real detailed and I’m like, just can you just give me the bottom line is just like, just give me the bottom line or he’ll, he’ll tell me about the movie he watched last night and I’m like, just just give me the bottom line in this movie. But I mean he starts at the very beginning and and I’m like, if you’re trying to get me to watch this, you’ve ruined it because there’s no point. But uh, Dave and I get along really good now, but we’ve learned, especially me because most of the conflict was me, I’ve just learned you, you have to let people be who they are and the bible says that we will have to, doesn’t put it in these words, but put up with people’s weaknesses and you really can’t, you have to accept people and love them where they’re at and if you’re going to pray for God to change somebody, always be sure that you pray for God to change you to got to be kind of careful that your prayers are not full of pride and they’re wrong and so change them. I always say, you know, I’d really like this to change in Dave, but I know that I have issues too. So only if it’s your will and you know, change me too. And I think to ginger if you don’t give up on a marriage when it’s when those things are hard, you do get to the point where I mean some of the things that Dave does, that used to just irritate me no end I think are funny now. Like one of the things he does is he talks during movies out loud, out loud and like and like he’ll ask me a question about the movie and I’m like, I’m watching this to seen it. We’re both watching this and we’re watching this at the same time. Some things you just have to accept and you need your perspective is so important. It’s like if all you do is think about the things that are wrong with the person you’re married to that’s all you’re gonna see. But I purposely sat down one day and I made a list of the things I thought was wrong with Dave and then I made a list of all the things that I really love about him and thankfully that list was a lot longer because really to be honest, I don’t know how many men could have put up with me and all the junk from my past that I had to get over, which was a lot. I mean after being sexually abused for all those years and you know, my mother not helping me with the situation and then married the first guy that came along and he hurt me and ran around with other women and that was a big disaster. And so I mean I had a lot of junk that I didn’t know that I had and I mean Dave stuck it out was patient and God seemed to give him understanding and he did confront me but not too soon. It gave me time to Get a decent relationship with God 1st. And uh I mean he definitely 100% is the perfect man for me and really a tremendous man of God. You’re right. Those things that you wanted to change at one point are the things that I really value and appreciate in tim because it’s it is what God needed for me. And if if we can give God the opportunity and the time without giving them the way he can do some wonderful things through our differences. And also to realize that you know, so many people, they bail on the marriage. I mean it’s like, well we had irreconcilable differences. I think that’s hilarious because really who doesn’t, I mean you can you can reconcile them if you let God be your partner in the marriage if you want to and I, you know, if there’s abuse or you know alcoholism, drug addiction, things like that, that you know cause abuse in the marriage, then that’s a different story. You know, I’m I’m divorced, I was divorced when I was 22 years old because the guy was married to was a cheat and a thief and a liar and you know, just was not a viable situation. But I just really encourage people not to bail on your marriage if there’s any way that you can make it work because you’re gonna you are going to have situations the next time you get married to, You’re not gonna marry somebody that’s gonna suit you perfectly. 100%. I don’t care who they are. So out of all that you’ve learned then with um the differences between the two of you over the years, what would you say is the most important thing that you’ve learned? I really think it is good for people if they do some study about the different temperament types because that is really an eye opener. I mean you can you can see it so clearly, I mean how can you have four or 5 Children come from the same set of parents and all of them be totally different. I mean you have to understand that people are born different and it’s God’s he does it on purpose. And I think that if you can understand that there’s not something wrong with you because you’re different than me, God did it. Yeah. And so you can’t get mad at God or blame God. And you have to have enough humility to understand that everybody doesn’t have to be like you that that I think is the key. We always think, well what’s wrong with you? Why are you not like me? But who says that? I’m so perfect and don’t have issues to deal with myself. All I know I’ll say this and then we’ll leave people with their prayers and thoughts. Unless there’s like abuse or some kind of a real severe situation, you can learn to get along with somebody if you really want to. So we’ll say amen on that.