You’re getting ready to spend the rest of your life with the person you love. That’s wonderful. But be sure you really, truly know your fiancé before making that life-long commitment. Here are several thought-provoking, and hopefully enlightening, questions to ask your fiancé to uncover the parts of them you may not have thought to search out.
The Well-Prepared Couple
So, you’re engaged? Congratulations!
Amid all the excitement, planning, and reserving, you may have discovered the pastor has a few requirements on which you hadn’t planned. Yikes! So, you roll your eyes and schedule time to go to his office to hear about how serious marriage is. Jumping through hoops is sometimes necessary, so you make everyone happy and oblige. But you’re so in love and know each other so well; what could you possibly learn?
As a minister, I ask engaged couples to attend six pre-marital counseling sessions before I agree to officiate their wedding. Pre-marital counseling prepares the man and woman for a life-long marriage while revealing any red flags that may signal a need for deeper conversation or, if the issue is severe enough, a chance to reconsider the union altogether.
Not only do I want to know where the couple stands spiritually and relationally, it’s my hope they come to know each other better. For this reason, it’s wise to complete any counseling before ordering those wedding announcements.
But with tight schedules, it’s often impossible to work through every single topic in your limited time with your officiant. You and your future spouse may be unable to schedule much counseling before exchanging vows. So talk through some topics before meeting with the minister. Asking your fiancé deep, intentional questions allows you to have rich and enlightening dialogue together.
Getting to Really Know Your Fiancé
With that in mind, here is a list of discussion questions (in no particular order) to give you a jump-start on your pre-marital counseling. Ask each other the same questions to ensure neither of you is leaping into a life-long commitment without knowing as much as possible upfront.
While the list isn’t comprehensive, the amount of questions can still feel overwhelming. So I broke them down into categories for easy access. You may tackle one section in its entirety or skip around. But avoid the temptation to rush through them. They are meant to be explored slowly, so delve into 5-10 questions per week and enjoy the conversations over coffee.
Some questions may be challenging to answer, but they are vital for understanding if God is indeed calling you to build a life together. Once finished, you’ll be well on your way toward a better marriage with a deeper understanding of your future spouse. May your union be blessed and God-honoring.
Spiritual Questions to Ask Your Fiancé
“And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God” Colossians 1:9-10
As true believers, our lives become intertwined with God. He naturally becomes part of every decision and action. These questions help reveal how closely each of you walk with the Lord.
- How did you come to follow Jesus, and how committed are you to continued growth?
- From your observations, are you confident about my walk with God?
- What disciplines do you practice to abide in Christ every day?
- Whether as a volunteer or a career, how are you involved in Christian service?
- How important is it for us to attend the same church and have the same beliefs?
- How important is it to regularly have a godly community surrounding us?
- How do you discern between God speaking to you and your own thoughts?
- Have much have you prayed about whether God is calling us to marriage?
- Is there any besetting sin you haven’t dealt with, and what’s your plan?
- How do you feel about the phrase, “Marriage is not about making you happy; it’s about making you holy?”
How Do You and Your Fiancé View Your Relationship?
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
How you relate to each other is vital. Ask your fiancé the following questions help you understand how your loved one views love, closeness, and unity.
- Do you believe God brought us together?
- What is it about me that initially attracted you?
- What made you realize you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me?
- How much time do you expect to spend with single friends once we’re married?
- How do you imagine our life when we’re in our 80s?
- Do you intend to continue courting me throughout our entire marriage?
- Is it important to stay attractive to a spouse once married? Why or why not?
- Is there any trait in me that you expect to change after we’re married, and why?
- What would you say are the two biggest problems in our relationship?
- Would you say love is a feeling or a choice? How so?
Issues Surrounding Actually Getting Married
“But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore, God has joined together, let not man separate. And in the house, the disciples asked him again about this matter. And he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” Mark 10:6-12
Regardless of the difficulties, the commitment to marriage is vital. The following discussion topics assist in your comprehension of the weightiness of matrimony. Ask your fiancé these questions to determine if you are on the same page about marriage commitment.
- Does God arrange one soulmate or several options for a potential spouse?
- Has anyone expressed concerns about us marrying, and if so, what concerns?
- What do you think pre-marital counseling accomplishes?
- Is it your desire to have a Christian ceremony? Why or why not?
- How is a Christian wedding ceremony different from others?
- How does marriage model Christ’s relationship to the church?
- What are your expectations for date nights after we are married?
- What potential problems do you anticipate in our marriage?
- What will you do if you find yourself in an unhappy marriage?
- How do you feel about divorce? When is it biblically allowable?
What Are Your and Your Fiancé’s Roles in Marriage?
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” Ephesians 5:22-27
Assumptions about roles and duties can lead to a lot of disappointment. But knowing another’s norms and expectations can help avoid irritation and arguments. Ask your fiancé these questions to work out the kinks beforehand.
- Whom do you believe should be considered the head of the household and why?
- What does submission mean when it comes to our marriage?
- What is your understanding of biblical manhood and womanhood?
- How does the Bible differ from society’s view on gender roles? Where do you stand and why?
- Define what a helper or help-meet is according to God’s Word.
- What do you expect my responsibilities to be? And yours?
- How do you plan to handle disagreements over chores and other topics?
- Are you handy? In the past, how have you dealt with repairs?
- Explain what you’ll bring to the table when you run a household together.
- Regarding our roles in marriage, describe your two strengths and weaknesses. What are mine?
Ask Your Fiancé Questions About Finances
“Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’” Hebrews 13:5
Disagreement over money is one of the most reported issues among married couples. Discuss the following questions to help comprehend your partner’s patterns.
- Who will handle the bills?
- Are you bringing any unpaid debts into our marriage? If new debts incur, how will you pay those off?
- How do you respond during a financial crisis?
- Are you good with money? Do you work well with a budget?
- Do you think our incomes should remain separate or joined, and why?
- How important is it to have both a savings and an emergency account?
- Tell me how you feel about various types of insurance.
- How do you plan to prepare for retirement or a potential disability?
- Who should pay for our kids’ college, us or them?
- What are your convictions regarding what God’s Word says about tithing?
Ask Your Fiancé Questions About His or Her History
“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14
Our past can sometimes shape who we are and how we respond to issues. Knowing each other’s history not only helps us pray more effectively for our partner and know if God is giving us the grace to marry them, but also reveals how the Lord has helped our fiancé/fiancée overcome with His transforming power to change.
- What were family vacations like for you, and what are your expectations for ours?
- Have you been in love before, and how recently? Why didn’t it last?
- What makes our relationship different from your past ones?
- Were you ever sexually intimate with them, and to what extent?
- Have you been married before, and if so, what broke up the marriage?
- Do you have any children you haven’t told me about?
- How prevalent is divorce among your family and relatives?
- Do your parents have any history of alcoholism?
- Are there any father issues you have that make it hard to trust our heavenly Father?
- Have you ever been sexually molested or raped, and can you tell me about it?
Discuss How You Will Communicate as a Married Couple
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” James 1:19
Of all the issues affecting marriages, communication always seems to be at the top of the list. The topics below help couples draw closer and build camaraderie.
- Describe what respect, value, esteem, and love look like in a marriage.
- What do you think is my love language? What is yours?
- Would you say you’re a good listener? Why or why not?
- What makes you angry? How do you act when upset?
- When is it hardest for you to forgive? When is it hardest to apologize?
- When is it hardest for you to overcome selfishness?
- Do you avoid conflict or embrace it, and why?
- Which decisions should we include each other in, and why?
- Do you have convictions you’re compromising to be with me, and what are they?
- What’s the difference between a promise and a vow?
Questions to Communicate Intimacy Expectations with Your Fiancé
“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled…” Hebrews 13:4
Sex! An important topic to talk about before your honeymoon. Some might be fun to explore, others not so much. Nevertheless, take time to thoughtfully discuss each and consider/study if God’s Word says anything on the topic.
- Are you committed to refraining from physical intimacy with me until after the ceremony? Why or why not?
- Where do you stand on what the Bible calls sexual sin?
- Do you believe birth control is OK and if so, which kinds?
- Have you considered how your past sexual encounters (if any) will affect our love-making?
- If you have had sexual feelings for or been intimate with someone of the same sex, to what extent? Have you considered biblical counsel?
- Have you ever contracted a sexually transmitted disease? If so, which, when, andhow?
- Have you (currently or previously) struggled with pornography, and what kind?
- Do you have issues with certain types of sexual activity between us once we’re married and what are they?
- What would you consider a sufficient amount of love-making?
- What are your expectations for the surrounding ambiance when we make love?
Questions to Ask Your Fiancé About Parenthood
“And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” Deuteronomy 6:6-9
Most engaged couples don’t even have child-rearing on their radar yet. Talking about your family’s growth gives you an advantage over other couples and sets you up for success.
- Do you want children? If so, how many?
- Where do you stand on abortion?
- How important is becoming our own family unit once we wed?
- Who gets first loyalty, the spouse or the children? Why?
- Whom should the primary person be for the spiritual training of our kids?
- Where have you obtained your child-rearing know-how?
- How engaged do you plan to be with child-rearing?
- What style of discipline do you think is best for our children?
- At what age should children help with chores, and at what age for working outside the home?
- Should children be educated within the home or elsewhere, and why?
Tying Up Loose Ends
“If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:7-13
This mash-up of questions contains just a few left-over discussions from previous topics. Of course, there’s no end to the topics you can explore, so if you like, feel free to replace these with your own custom-made questions.
- Would you say you are neat and organized or more comfortable with clutter?
- How do you feel about doing hobbies together? What about separately?
- What percentage should we each contribute to making the relationship succeed and why?
- Where or who do you go to for advice and answers, and why?
- Does closure bring you peace or stress you out because it feels like an end?
- What cultural differences and values between us are at odds?
- Who will come first in our marriage, your parents or me? Why?
- Do you have a bucket list, and what is your expectation for completing that?
- Were there any of these answers in which you were not completely truthful?
- How can I help you feel safer to be more honest and transparent?
How Well Do You Know Your Fiancé Now?
You did it! You went through 100 questions — some interesting, others maybe not so fun. But hopefully you know each other a lot better than you did before. I encourage you to share these questions with your pre-marital counselor or officiant so they know what topics you have discussed as a couple.
More so, this is the time for transparent honesty if you realize you are second-guessing this union in light of the new information you’ve learned. Marriage is a life-long relationship in which vows are made to your mate and to God, and therefore, never to be taken lightly. Better to courageously face disappointing others than to jump into a problematic life-long commitment.
No matter the outcome, prayer and godly counsel is a vital part of any major decision. The Lord is faithful to reveal His will for our lives when we follow Christ’s words,
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8